Do you spend more time in bed with your laptop answering Slack messages than you do with your partner? If so, it may be time for a reality check.
When our romantic relationships take on too much of the burden of our work lives, it can lead to resentment, jealousy, and ultimately, breakups, especially when we expect our partners to unfairly shoulder the stress of our work lives.
“We have a set of expectations that our intimate partners are a source of emotional support and the ability to be the most authentic version of ourselves.” Alexandra SolomonA Chicago-based psychologist and podcaster. Reimagining Lovesays luck. And while it’s a “blessing” to discover them, he adds, “it comes back to haunt us when we don’t keep in mind how our fatigue is affecting the way we show up for them.”
This is a widespread problem. Deloitte’s Workplace Burnout SurveyFor example, 83% of respondents said that fatigue at work can negatively affect their personal relationships. Likewise, Headspace’s 2024 Workforce State of Mind Report71% of employees responded that their personal relationships were cut off due to work stress.
A big part of the problem, Solomon says, is that the lines between work and home life can be difficult to draw, especially with remote and hybrid work structures. That’s why it’s important to set aside time and energy for each aspect of our lives, including time to connect with our partners in addition to discussing work projects.
Here are five tips to keep the romance in your life from being ruined by burnout at work.
One. Resist the urge to compare
Often, when two partners are struggling at work, Solomon says, they tend to get competitive in their workplace stress Olympics.
“A conversation might start out like, ‘I want to share my day with you because you’re such an important sounding board and safe place,’” she says. “But the conversation can have a sneaky way of comparing who has it worse.”
Solomon suggests resisting the urge to compare your experiences with your partner’s, and remembering that all stress, including the stress that comes from this type of competition, is unwanted and can lead to: negative effects on our health.
2. Set up your ‘micro consciousness’‘
Especially if you work from home, creating a way to symbolize the transition from work time to home time can be pivotal in strengthening your relationship.
“For some people, when they commute home or get dressed at work, it’s almost a ritual that says, ‘I took the day off, I did all the work, I showed up, I did what I was supposed to do. Tomorrow will be waiting for me, too.'” she says “No matter how you set up micro-rituals to transition from work to time with your partner,” she says.
three. Performance appraisals don’t just happen in the office.
Performance metrics, desired raises, and the basic need to remain employed are all reliable motivators for doing a great job at work. But what about staying motivated at home?
“We don’t think, ‘I want to feel more connected to my partner in a year,’ or, ‘I want to have achieved this goal in life,’” says Jenna Glover, a licensed psychologist and clinical director. headspacesays luck. But she emphasizes that perhaps we should.
“Some of it is intentional and bringing it to life. [home] “It’s called ‘space,’” Glover explains. “And when people do that, they can be successful in both their work and their relationships.”
Glover suggests assessing relationship performance as one way to make sure we don’t get caught up in work or miss out on important time with our partners.
She suggests taking the time to say, “There’s no template for what being successful in a relationship means like a job performance review, but I’m willing to take the time to figure out what that actually looks like.”
And don’t worry about being too formal. Instead, Glover says the point is to sit down with your partner and share your goals and expectations for your family, career, and one-on-one relationships.
4. Define ‘romance’ broadly and save it.
It is true. Stress Affects LibidoAccording to the Cleveland Clinic, stress can decrease your sex drive by making you forget about sex, and chronic stress can also disrupt your hormone levels, which can lower your sex drive.
“No one’s desire increases because of pressure,” says Solomon.
But she says romance and relationships with partners don’t necessarily have to begin and end with sex.
“The definition of ‘romantic’ is something that helps us feel connected.” she says “And there are many ways to feel connected besides sex.”
She suggests ways to combat workplace burnout by sending small but meaningful signals of intimacy, such as playing a game with your partner, dancing together in the kitchen, or lighting candles while having dinner.
Solomon says, “Some of them step back and say, ‘No, my work doesn’t take that long.’ and “My sexual energy.”
5. Don’t let your partner get defensive.
If you feel like you’re missing out on time with your partner because of one (or both) of your jobs, talking about it is a gentle way to deal with it. How about having a screen-free evening? ? How about planning a fun outing? Your partner can’t always read your mind or body language for clues about what you want, says Solomon.
But pointing fingers and blaming can make them feel attacked and guilty and put them on the defensive, she adds. Instead, calmly say that you miss your partner’s undivided attention.
Moreover, she emphasizes that work burnout is often, if not always, about company culture rather than employees. So while it may be easy to blame your partner for responding to work-related messages after hours, it’s also up to employers to respect boundaries outside of work hours.
“[Your partner] “We didn’t create a culture where people had to be available at all times, we didn’t refuse to hire the right number of people to do the job, no matter what the dynamics were within the organization,” she says. “So I think part of that is making sure that accountability is where it’s due.”
Actually almost 70% of expertsAccording to Deloitte, 21% of respondents believe their employers do not do enough to prevent or mitigate burnout within their organizations, with 21% saying their company does not provide any programs or initiatives to prevent or mitigate burnout.
“People have to work, so it’s really important for employees to think about, ‘What does my work experience look like?’ And hopefully work should exist to support, not detract from, their quality of life,” Glover said.
She added that we all have limited resources—limited time, limited energy—and that if we invest “too much” in our jobs, we won’t be able to achieve work-life balance.
Solomon says the term “work-life balance” itself is increasingly difficult to analyze because it can be deceiving.
“There’s a belief in our minds that these are two separate spheres,” she says. “But the boundaries between home and work are actually very permeable.”
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