There is no such thing as perfect parenting. This is the perspective that makes Becky Kennedy, also known as Dr. Becky, sigh with relief. He describes himself as “a clinical psychologist turned disruptor in the parenting support field.” luck. there is ineffective But parenting. “And the key to effective parenting is… It’s what I call strong leadership,” she says.
Her solid leadership model learned through her coaching company. nice insideis about helping parents understand their role and their children and how to help them build the skills they will need in life. “Not only to improve their behavior, but to actually become functioning, successful adults,” the mom tells her 7-, 10-, and 13-year-olds.
The biggest element of this type of parenting, Kennedy emphasizes, is preparing children to be resilient, confident, and successful in the future. And you can do that by “optimizing your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.
Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain this approach in your parenting routine.
Choose your battles wisely
“There are moments when we optimize for the short-term well-being of our children,” Kennedy admits. “I’m human and sometimes I’m like, ‘You know what? Okay, eat ice cream for breakfast.’”
However, he emphasizes that parents must have “long-term ambitions” for a certain period of time. This means it’s important to keep your child’s future in mind, and it’s likely that your child will be away from you for longer than you are. I will be with you.
“I believe the stakes are going to get higher and higher,” she says. “I also believe that the best gift I can give my child is the ability to handle difficult things – to have the skills to deal with what life throws at you and to know that you can get through difficult situations.”
Kennedy believes it gives children “a greater advance in life” than anything else. “Life is hard… And our kids don’t get the skills to overcome challenges with birthday presents. They don’t get that from reading books. If you keep practicing these skills, you will get them.”
Don’t always fix everything for your child.
Finding challenging situations that can teach children about resilience isn’t the hard part. “There’s no need to insert difficult moments: They can’t solve a puzzle, they’re struggling with math homework, they weren’t invited to a party,” says Kennedy. always.
But what’s difficult is not jumping in to fix your child’s difficult moments because you don’t want to see them struggling or upset.
“Optimizing for short-term comfort will set things right,” says Kennedy. And as you do that for your children, “they start struggling to find immediate solutions,” she says. In other words, “Their bodies are saying, ‘I’m out of the party; ‘Mom threw a bigger party than that kid’s birthday.’ ‘I can’t solve puzzles. My father completed it for me.’” And that intervention, she explains, creates a set of expectations for children in the world.
“Fast forward a few years and this is the pattern: If my child’s flight is delayed, my 25-year-old will call me upset and tell me to rebook and pay for another flight myself. Please do so. Because their bodies are saying, ‘I’m having a hard time and my parents are giving me an immediate solution.’”
Instead, consider giving your child the opportunity to overcome challenges and find solutions on his or her own. “Learning how to struggle is very important. This is how you find success,” says Kennedy. “The better you are at struggling (not in a harmful way, but the better you are at staying in the moment of struggle), the more resilient you can be. So I think of that as a guiding principle.”
Here’s how to wire for resilience:
“I hate things that can’t be done,” says Kennedy. So she offers two elements that parents can use to help their children become resilient whenever they face challenges: validation and competence.
Check in first to see if your child is upset. And simply say, “Oh, that stinks.”
“‘Oh, that stinks’ is one of the least frequently used parenting phrases,” she says. “My parents always expect me to say very elaborate things. ‘Oh, it stinks. “Oh, this is the worst,” he said, but still finished the job.
Next is the ‘reflection ability part’. That’s when you say something that means, “‘I know we can overcome this.'” My child is bad at puzzles. ‘Oh, you’re right. This puzzle is really tricky. I know I can hold it if I take a deep breath.’ This is why children develop long-term resilience rather than short-term instant gratification,” she says.
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